reclaim ourselves

Has it ever occurred, that there are some, or many, things we grow up thinking we definitely would not be. Some principles which we'll hold so dear that the mere thought to be on their wrong side will be a crime of the highest order.

And yet, yet life will unfold in such a way that we'll have the proverbial '[wo]man in the mirror' experience. There'll be those who'd bury the guilt into the darkest recesses of their souls, some who might ask - umm, what exactly is the '[wo]man in the mirror' experience - the purpose of course lost on them, and then there will be those who'll tear and shred themselves for they failed so miserably. Amongst them some would attempt to take the easy way out, and escape. And some who'd take it on, in the hope that all's not lost and much is left to reclaim. Hope, after all, is a beautiful thing.

heaven sent hell away...

What's it been? Like ages?
a] i acknowledge the fact that there indeed is a state similar to a 'writer's block'
b] Writer's block can extend over aeons.

But what brings me back? Probably just the urge to write something down before I forget all about it. Of course, for all the days I've been away, it's not like the urge never arose. More like it didn't sustain long enough for me to actually put aside some time and do justice to it.
My indulgence today is merely to reflect upon what it is to understand the fragility of a mind. As always the observations and the opinions borne out of such observations are solely mine, and limited in every scope by that very fact.

The lives we lead make for countless developments, and one such development is the impressions left behind on our ever-so impressionable minds. 'Impressionable minds' - the phrase has such an aura about it. Not that I was able to master its usage, nor comprehend what it means in all its entirety until a good enough time passed by. I recall my first understanding to do something with wet sponges, and how a clear impression is left behind if I were to press my finger against its surface. Figuratively speaking, I now feel that I wasn't much off the mark. At least that's precisely the quality which the 'impressionable' part endows upon the mind. And just like it is with the wet sponge, it is so with the impressions left upon our minds. To conveniently group these impressions, I'll stick to the time-tested approach of stating - there are 2 kinds of impressions: One which influences our perception of all things, animate and inanimate, except for our self. And the other which plays tricks inclusive of our self, but of course. It is with the latter that I shall concern my current discourse with.

Some days back I came across an interesting dialogue -
person A: Describe a common misperception people have of you?
person B: blah, blah and blah
person A: What's the difference between perception and misperception, if it's all about an 'apparent' understanding of things?
Not getting into the semantic analysis of whether 'misperception' is a valid word, nor whether person A's question is entirely correct, what I particularly liked about the brief dialogue was the mental conflict it exposed in such a short exchange. A conflict which is rooted in the fundamental flaw of our mind to act upon an urge to classify things as good and bad. Now, when we reconsider the thread about having impressions about our self, along with the afore-mentioned fundamental flaw, it does indeed make for some very interesting observations.

Courage, high moral-fibre, mental fortitude, and a whole lot of such over-abused qualities tend to carve out comfortable corners for themselves in our minds. Most of our lives are actually spent without ever really jolting those corners. The simple routines of our utterly engrossing lives don't leave much room for such things. Alas, conforming to the cosmic relevance of unfortunate oddities, there are the unfortunate few who get to face events which evict some or most of the comfortable, corner dwelling qualities to the fore of our lives. People emerge from such events having hopefully undergone some or the other transformation. The transformations themselves range from the mildly determinable to the abnormally aberrant. But it's not like I have witnessed the entire spectrum. The spectrum just happens to be a sweeping generalisation with an inherent ability to make obvious sense. What has time and time again irked my curiosity has been the cases wherein the lives assume a somewhat inescapable mutability. Mostly it's an oscillation between denial and acceptance. The eventual realisation can ironically be considered to be another 'impression' on the mind. The battles fought for the battles within can be the last thing one wants. It can, by all means, define what you are, lead you to that elusive state of peace with yourself - it's just that the transitions never quite seem to relent in their ability to make for disturbing times.

sHiFtInG pAtTeRnS

I think that I am systematically becoming numb to most of the states in which our minds can exist. The reason why I choose to term this shift as systematic may be 'cause it's a fallout from my proclivity to analyze a whole lot of things which can easily be (and should be) ignored. So, in an ironical sort of way, I find myself in this position because of a state of mind which is holding precedence over most of the other ones. Perhaps this can be termed as "Paranoia". Like I once read, "a paranoid person is one who has all the facts but doesn't really know how to piece them together". But then, I think a paranoid's sphere of interest usually circles around all the people in his/her life. However in my case, it's not just the people but also the moments through which I am passing. I am slowly realizing that most of the moments I am part of can't really stand up to the scrutiny they are subjected to. As a consequence, not only do they start to crumble but also the people who are part of those moments start crumbling. And once the day is done and I reflect, everything seems to be held together in a state of fragility. A fragility which is evident in a tower of cards. The trepidation of some inevitable meandering wind-stream which would come along and bring it down. Can life really be so ordinary?! Can so much in life depend on things so fragile that to even think of them causes a tremor to run through the foundations?
Oh yes, life is very beautiful. It's got more than a billion-billion reasons both scientific and metaphysical, to be considered the one and only sign of being blessed. Yet there is that essence in every life which strings it together with happiness, coherence, sanity, objectivity, romanticism, or any other drift. For me, everything seems to be coming a full circle. I don't like spending time with the people who constitute the moments in my life. I feel like I'm retracing my childhood. I get goosebumps when I'm reading Calvin and Hobbes or when I see the trailer of a dorky movie like the Transformers. My kicks come through playing a computer game against opponents I can't even see. Sigh, you see, it's still kind of funny and nice. The strands shift around but I think they'll come together again at some point of time. Maybe there'll be that change in my surroundings or that change in the people I meet. Until then, I'd like to dream something nice.

iNsIgNiFiCaNcE

A World beyond this one. An almost believable alternate reality. Just when the mind had come to terms with the many postcards and nat-geo wallpapers, I happened to come across Leh. Ladakh, as known to many a people (ignorant, like me, of the actual relationship between Leh and Ladakh), is but a subtle and powerful smack at all the insignificant "important" things that constitute our lives. Oh and it is a fantastic place to get all misconceptions about one's self put to rest for good. A place so full of irony. At once it has one of the most spectacular landscapes to offer to a visitor and at the same time, there are a whole set of physical and environmental adversities to come to terms with.


I had the good (great) fortune of taking in all of this trip with the bunch of friends I have had a significant part of my life shared with. Oh it was amazing, the mountains, the dried-up as well as the gushing rivers, the screams of sheer delight and the curses of pure physical hardships. Not only were we absorbing as much of the natural beauty as possibly, but also we were slowly getting the drift of the rifts or possible rifts that are going to surface soon enough. I guess it has but always been an inevitability from which we all were relentlessly seeking an escape. It was about time a bit of all that caught up. But then, I believe it is best we carry forward the favourable impressions we've carried of each other. The memories and resolve that made us be. I just fear we don't end up forgetting about each other. The mighty mountains brought us together and I wish it would happen again.

This trip surely taught me a hell lot of things. But then, come to think of it, I seem to take a hell lot from so many things. Nevermind that, what's important is I am yet to come to terms with the life in the plains. A life amongst concrete structures. A life driven for some intellectual satisfaction which mysteriously doesn't dawn upon me. In short, I contemplate again about the trade off between lots of money and not-so lots of money. Just about enough to discover places like Ladakh. Sigh, but who decides on "enough"? Gahh, I'll just let it be for now and go stare at the sky for some time!

To the spirit of Ladakh, to the spirit within, I salute!

dEmOns

Seems a bit weird that I think of writing about something as such, as suggested, after watching a movie which evoked all the fears which I've harboured for ages now. Perhaps, this might indeed be a good way to keep my mind off it. I have just watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose and no, I'm not going to put forth my evaluation which gauges this movie on various points governing the creation of an intellectually stimulating work of art. Well if that's what one can be permitted to term modern day movies that is.

As I sat watching the end credits roll up, the distinct chill of acknowledging the fear that arises from mildly perceptible "extra-sensory" (?) sensations, started to take effect. That sudden switching-off of a bulb, or the twitches and screeches which one would willingly attribute to reasons which don't even deserve a second thought, became signs all so potent. My ears twitched alert, ready to home in on any and all sounds which should have a source but apparently don't. The goosebumps on my hand assuring me that I'm scared. This is fear I guess. The fear of the uncertain. A fear which I've always possessed and been attracted to. A weird way of going about things but well, there's no point explaining it as such. Maybe it's not really fear-fear but possibly an addiction to being exposed to the supernatural and treat every such encounter as a learning experience. An experience to open my mind to things which might just happen. Though I hope my education in fear never really translates into reality any time.

But then, if it ain't the devils from Hell, what about the ones which prance around in the head? The demons of mind, can't they be just as potent? Perhaps, they can never really aspire to achieve the similar levels of infamy as their relations cast in various movies and modes of compelling literature. Oh yes, how many times has it been when you committed an act which in any normal circumstance would be one of the most dastardly acts of malice or affliction you can possibly think of. Certainly never-ever? Perhaps you might like to go for something milder? Ego, self-interest, jealousy, insecurity, or plain old simple mental instability? Man, only I know for sure how many times I've given into my own dEmons. But then, it's just as simple to cast them aside as an aberration to my otherwise charming and normal behaviour. What if one day I just can't? Now I'm supremely confident that I (and for that matter my aberrational traits) for one, am incapable of causing any sort of physical injury to another innocent soul. However, how much can the dEmons be really controlled from pushing myself over the edge? Such a possibility still seems rather remote but that's surely not due to the lack of trying on part of them dEmons. I'm still strong enough to fend off the bouts but in those fleeting moments how much do I grieve those who really like me, I'm not too sure. It shows I think. They are getting tired of liking me. But they won't give up so easily on me. And for that I'm grateful.

I still believe it is very much within my powers to keep the dance of dEmons from truly achieving something to ingratiate their fictitious existence. The devils might screech all night, but oh yes, they can go back to Hell if they like. I'll stay!

tHe oTher sIde

So well, how important is it to be different? Is it that important that one would chase the emptiness of being something ridiculously "different"? But then, one could also think, not being different will simply beget a lifeless-ordinary drill. Maybe that one try at being different could very well separate the happy ones from the despairing ones; many years down the line from the moment they thought of it first. It's not really that hard once you achieve a certain degree of disconnect and then look to make the difference. A disconnect which in the present World, the present context, just seems to be such an impossibility. Ohh it gets to be hard. Really hard. People have a weird effect on others. They are always so likeable. Not that I wish to insinuate or hint towards any sort of hatred for humanity. It's just that, people as a whole seem such a convoluted lot. But why wish so much for simplicity and straight-forwardness? This chaos can be thoroughly enjoyable albeit with some care to keep just *that* much away from the chaos.
I have finally joined a new company. A start-up if you like. A nice thing they've got started here. However, the accumulated inertia of "nothing" over nearly 3 years is indeed proving to be quite hard to shrug off. This one's called Taxila Labs. I wonder, when I'll re-read this post some years in the future, what would have been of this company. So far, just being in it has driven me through a flux of self-belief and self-doubt. Wouldn't go as far as to say that I'm out of the flux as yet. I might have thought it to be just a bit easier than this. Wishful thinking always jeopardizes in a small or big way. So far, I'd call it small only. Whatever I wrote on top was in some way inspired by all this, I think. Man, I've got to start with the applications of various schools of Management education. I suddenly don't feel like doing it. The cyclicity of this feeling is getting rather boring. I might as well get over and done with it. Then maybe, I'll have one less thing to worry about. Inspite of it all, I liked the week I had, thinking back on this Friday evening. Driving to meet and having my frappe with a wonderful person. It's been a good week. Amen!

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying.....

Once in every lifetime of probably every person out there comes a time when he or she decides upon something which sets the wheel turning for something totally new. I know it's not really the case with most of the individuals. People these days are much more into the "safety" aspect. They're not married but they behave as if they need to save for an ever-demanding family, they're not happy but they'd rather stay the line, for it's surely going to keep the money coming in, and a bunch of other behavioural patterns you can club in (and I'd rather not talk about). I still believe the whole thing's not just about the money, but possibly about weak-will and misdirection. We are what we are not because we decided to stay the line, but because we decided to venture out. It's all about the starting point and once that is established the rest is for all to see.
You see, such a point is almost around the corner for me. Today after nearly 3 long years I've decided to let go of the company I work for. Now the forces which compelled me are few and far between, ranging from the quality of work to Andy Dufresne of Shawshank Redemption. The vastness of the factors often makes me wonder if I'm just a plain-bickering-bone-head out to make an issue out of anything that doesn't seem to go down too well with me. I guess that would be a ridiculous line of thought. It hardly ever pays to be overtly self critical. However, it's not the reasons, which compelled me to leave the company, that seem to be of interest. Rather, it is the company for which I leave this "conglomerate" for. I am doing so for a company which hasn't yet managed to get its first earnings in place. It's a company where there are only 3 people working and I'll be the fourth one. It's a move which till date has met with only disapproval from everyone I've chosen to discuss with, leaving aside a certain Alice in Wonderland. Inspite of all, I still believe this would be a much better experience for me in the next year or so, than just sticking the line with my current one. And for a change, I'm doing it for "just myself". Jeez, it's been ages since I got this scared-elated mish-mash of a feeling. Possibly back when I was taking the field against a team full of over-grown over-age brawny buffoons in a match of football.
This should be interesting. This should be different!